what were we thinking?

"I should've known

It's right in front of me

Screaming girl just walk away

See it can't ever be

We carried on making our mistakes

Thinking love was free

Now you've taken part of me"

relationships.

Im Okay - Chrisette Michele

push play, THANKS!

ain't shit perfect, i think we call can attest to this.
let us rewind it a bit shall we?.. five years ago, had u imagined you'd be where you're at relationship wise? "is you happy?" ::t.i. voice::

my take on the whole shit is, that tolerance levels are set too high, too much shit gets ignored. when this happens, a comfort level is created. now how do you correct shit when someone is comfortable without shit makin a turn for the worst?

another thing that fucks us up are excuses. not even necessarily FROM our partner. WE get so caught up in "la-la land" that WE create the excuse FOR them.

when is enough, enough? what does it take for us to finally let go?
cheating?.. been there.. done that.
lying? .. PAH! .. NEXT
disrespect?.. oh this counts?
sadly those are 3 solid, commonly ignored, grounds for dismissal. If you constantly have to weigh the good with the bad, FUCK IT. It ain't worth it. The longer you stick around, the harder it is to move on. & when you FINALLY move on, it's THAT much harder to actually open up for the next one. no bueno.

here's a letter i wrote to some1, if it helps any:

hey *!# .
i read your status message, and i just wanted to say that Karma plays
it's position. If not today, if not tomorrow, then one day. I know what you're
going through in the sense of someone taking your kindness for a weakness and
basically just screwing you over. i've been there, just not as deep as you. I
even went so low as to tell him something along the lines of " i cant understand
why my grandfather who was a good loving whole-hearted man was taken from me, but your bitchass is still here living the good life."i mean.. there were more
curses and i hope you dies in there... but that was the basic message. sometimes
i (im sure you too) miss the SHIT outta him (the ex).. but it's an emotion that
will quickly pass. everyone deserves someone that will make them happy without
makin them cry 5x before that. a relationship and love is supposed to beautiful.
granted.. EVERY relationship has it's problems.. and if anything was picture
perfect we wouldn't appreciate it.. even the couples that have been together for
50 and 60 years went through shit.. they WORKED to get to where they are... so
even though every relationship has it's problems u just gotta make sure that ur
partner is willing to weather through the storm with you.. if not.. then let
them go and do what you can to just smile, and be glad that you're out of that
emotional rollercoaster. instead of wishing karma would kick him right in his
ass.. just smile and realize that he will NEVER find anybody like you.. EVER...
that's Karma enough.
i love you!
-e.

a bad relationship is exhausting. here's an equation that Icreated & learned to live by "ericKa>this". & though it feels like your efforts have been wasted, in the end it was a learning experience that has NO CHOICE but to make you stronger. At the end of the day, make sure you're happy, that's it.

yo.

here i am thinkin my shit was original. didn't get the reminder to pay godaddy. long story short, someone jacked my shit. fucker. so here i am.. back with the blogspot all up in my url (sounds freaky), but whatever, it'll do for now.

there's shit that i need to speak on.
& i shall.
fuck it.
I'M BACK.
ya miss me?

broken hearted girl

this reminds me of that old janet video. i can't put my finger on the name. i think madonna has one like it too.

must be love.

Cassie - New Music - More Music Videos

video is ok. im sorry, i love her cut. that's gonna be a bitch growin back tho.. trust me :/ . still feelin the SHIT outta the song! ;)

ps.. can sum1 explain to me y errthang is on fire? im confused.

keya.. i hate you!

C T F U!

quick story.

so errday i receive a new word to minimize my ignorance. sometimes i post, sometimes i don't; sue me. anywho the folk that send me the definitions also email advertisements.. here's the first line of the email...

"Ever wonder why we're not just happy, we're happy as we clam?"

How do I clam? I really need to know. How does one clam in this fuct up economy? I wouldn't be so offended had the words NOT come from dictionary.com , this is fuct up on so many levels. dictionary.com though? really? the world is going DOWN! no fucking bueno!

disport.

To amuse oneself in light or lively manner; to frolic.

i can dig it.

i needed this.

OMGGGGG!

La... i hate you! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stadiummusic.

cute...i think.. for some reason the background reminds me of windows media player :/

i mean.. the song is called.. "stadium music" and they refer to their love being like it.. but all i see are 5 black niggas in front of a green screen. where's the stadium? is the green screen what your love is like? sooo...your love is like fraud? really tho?

but will looks good... that's all that really matters.

specFATular.

i just wanna know YTF did i initially click this?

sobeautiful.

For Hip Hop News & Entertainment at DimeWars.Com

figured i'd post. this never grows old.

buss.

buss \BUS\, noun, verb:
1. A kiss; a playful kiss; a smack.
2. To kiss; especially to kiss with a smack.

you know... one can get REAL raunchy with this one....

good for his ass!

thx dingle!

turn my fag on.

bol! the word swag is turning me off. big time.

paranoid.

SoundOff TV Exclusive: Kanye West- Paranoid (Starring Rihanna) from LowKey on Vimeo.

it's aiight. she shoulda drove the car into the crib or off the cliff or sumthin.

you makin me feel bad...

::tears @3:05!::

one mo 'gain.

happy bday gma louise!

050709.

HAPPY BDAY LOUISE!!! :)))))))))))))))))))))
im pissed though.
this rain is stupid.
i better have a kyte.
i'm not in the mood.
people need to stop letting 8lbs of spit accumlate in the corner of their COT Damn MOUTH.
mother's day... PAH!.. more like favorite auntie's day/ grandmother's day. darlene gets nada.
i wanna smoke/drink with a nigga i wont see for a about 28 days.
28 days.. damn.. i remember when the count down was 152. now look!
man!
i ain't stressin cause there definately will be better days, but today? i'm on wits end & i pity the fool that contributes to these unwanted emotions.
i'm serious.
anyday but today.
one day i'll get back to my normal bloggin, but i aint feelin it right now.

i hate globaltellink. just putting that out there.

FREE CHICKEN!

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090430-tows-kfc-coupon-download

gotta love oprah!

thanks nih.. u just bought me lunch.. even though me nah wan di chicken... mi ah take di sides.

(how was that?)

fantasy ride.

Ciara - Fantasy Ride (2009)

found it!

this needs ur undivided attn. immediately.

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

yeah so.

i'm bored.
i have work to do, yet & still i find myself on every social networking site, seeking an entertainment/comical fix. this is sad. this can't be life. here it is monday, and i'm wishing it was friday, for what? the weekend is too damn fast. the work to chill ratio is fuct up .. 5:2.. almost as fuct up as taxes.
but i aint gettin into alladat (yes i did).
the weekend was cool. didn't get too fuct up, & i got the chance to be the ear for once. i gave advice... FROM EXPERIENCE...PAH.. who'da thought.
i think now i'm more grounded than ever. not saying i had an epiphany of some sort, i'm just saying i've been through enough to not take shit as seriously as i should.
it is what it is & i am who i am. respect it or leave it.

you know what..

if i pressed "1" for english, ytf is this automated service speaking in both english AND spanish. respect my damn decision.

epiphany.

Chrisette Michele - Epiphany

after watching her performance on that artist spotlight thingy on vh1 soul.. i MUST have her sophmore album.

when she performed "blame it on me" i damn there lost my breath. cot damn!

celebrity spotting.

my cartoon idol. maxine. live in the flesh at the galleria.

(click to enlarge)

product of parker.

well put.

right!?

a live without love.

A Life Without Love - Jazmine Sullivan

how could you NOT feel this?

april idiot.

why so serious?

this guy looked so angry in the pizza shop. perhaps he had a prank go wrong.

do u know what today is? ... another day i stumbled to work hungover, that's what!

the last kiss.

(YYYYYYYY)

The Last Kiss

alley.

alley.

well.
over the last few weeks, i've kinda been ... well battling myself with what it is im actuality trying to do.. with life, with friends, with family, ...with myself in general. basically it's just an uncomfortable feeling to know that i'm unsure of which direction im headed in.

nah i ain't complaining. i know i'm blessed. it's just more of a "where do i go from here type feeling". a confusion.

i have a handful of people who i consider close friends. some i speak to everyday, some not as much. but there was one person who i know, no matter what.. would always make time to listen & laugh with me. i could go from an inside voice... to shouting... to singing... to whispering.. to growling.. all in the same minute.. & she would understand exactly where i'm coming from.

unfortunately the option of ventilation isn't available anymore. as of january 14, 2009 to be exact.

here's how it goes...

alethea & i hated each other during middle school & some of 9th grade. idkH we actually became friends. she's outspoken, im outspoken, so we bumped heads quite a few times. i'd say senior year we became REAL close. road trips, parties, ANYTHING u name it, u wouldn't see me without her, and vice versa.

in middle school i learned she had a liver condition that i never really learned the specifics on. as the years passed on u kinda really ignored the fact that she was ill. like i said, we partied which included drinking and smoking. LMFAO oh god we smoked weed the first time together! lmao! it took me like 20 mins to realize we were high. i was laughin at EVERYTHING, meanwhile she was stuck lookin out her rearview mirror for like 20 mins. Then we started talkin about that commercial that was out at the time, when that boy was riding his bike by a fastfood drive-thru and the people in the car at the window were smoking. because they were high they hit the boy. WHY were we talking about that knowing we had to drive home? beats me. after i got home, eyes all glossy, and me diggin into the mac & cheese like NO tomorrow.. my gpa (papa) :( KNEW i was high.. lol. as previously posted. he was cool about it, and just stared me in the eyes and started laughin. anywho...i never really focused on the severity of her condition, because she was always out and about. she's been in the hospital quite a few times, my first time actually going to visit her was last summer. & it hit me like .. damn... i saw tubes and shit.. but she seemed fine.. i actually left her.. to go work some other shit out with another friend. real stupid. i mean there was a few times where i ignored calls, & even times when she ignored mine. love was never EVER lost though. i think maybe her second year in college she had a liver transplant. (fast forward). she text me that she was again in the hospital. we spoke here and there. i let her know that a childhood friend's mother had lost her battle to cancer. im thinkin this was in sept. or oct. we spoke maybe once or twice, and then just lost contact.

one day i hit her up via text saying sumthin along the lines of "HELLO.. how are u.. checkin in"... no response... i think i might've text her again.. and called... but i figured she was mad at me and we were going thru one of our breaks. sooo one night im chillin with a few folks and was gonna go to mcdonalds with google until "the tower" suggested GoldStar.. (this local Jamaican spot). i was like hell yeah cuz i been feenin for the green chicken (sue me i know it's curry, but i like green). anyways... after orderin a side of mac & cheese. i hear "hericka?!" ohhhh shit IDIZZY! (alethea's mom). so i asked her how alethea was, being that i hadn't heard from her in so long... she then said.. alethea had died, and they revived her, and how she's doing WAY better than she was.

:o! wtf?! ... DIED?!... DIED?! mass confusion is such an understatement. shit is real. so i tell the girls about her condition. nobody could believe it. how could u?

had my fatass not chosen goldstar over mickey d's ... would i have ever known? shit really does happen for a reason.

since the discovery we paid a visit every weekend. the first time i saw her in the ICU ... hurt. it honestly hurt. i couldn't have ever imagined that she was EVER in any condition remotely close to what was before me. the next week we brought in some music (keyshia's latest album). of course i play my song first (she always loved when i did that ;) ) it was .. "Please Don't Stop" . Next thing i know, she's moving her arms. so the haitiansensation and i start freakin out... ready to call the nurse and shit (unfortunately she couldn't talk) but then we realized.. yo... she's dancin. aowwww... so we all start dancing.. until the nurse told us to cut it down. btw.. she looked waaaaaaaaaaaaay better in the second visit. you can see the recovery.. literally. during the third visit we had changed the music again.. but she rested the majority of the visit. i just figured.. u know what.. she's tired.. but she probably can still hear us.. so we carried on with conversation as if she was actively participating in it. telling her about damn there everything. so before we left (after i cursed a few dr.'s and nurses out) i woke her up.. and im like "yo..alley.. we out.."

she looked me in my eyes and said "thank you".. u can see it took a lot out of her.

so on wednesday im on a "long distance call" and i see an incoming call from alethea. i couldn't click over, for some reason i knew alethea wasn't calling me. her mom had the phone all along. so i tell rambi.. alethea is calling. so we get off the phone. and i call her back. it's idizzy.

i:hericka?
m: heller!
i: how u doin?
m: goooood.. u?
i: i'mmm ok... but.. today.. alethea's gone home.

so i turn the the haitian...
mouth wide open. about 5 seconds which seemed like 4 years.
she screams WHAT WHAT!?
& i couldn't move my mouth.
nothing came out.
it was as if every particle of energy had been appropriated.
i couldn't talk.
i couldn't move.
all i could do was blink.

idizzy eventually hung up on me, when? idk. i can't remember how long i had the phone to my face. & that just made me realize how short life is, and how i should just put all petty shit to the side. unfortunately not all circumstances were resolved, and somehow i still found myself in different situations that i could've done without. so what did i do.. i just removed myself. i find myself puttin forth so much effort into the wrong things. here i am leavin the side of one friend to rectify the situation with another which in the end, was wasted energy. ha! wasted energy. i'm not here to get into specifics, do subliminals, or even make this a form of some type of cry out. im just blogging. im mad at me... for basically putting the needs of others, before hers. she was a good person, & i find it intriguing how such a whole hearted, good spirited person, was taken away from me, & i got these black ass mutha fuckin idiots that just won't leave me the fuck alone. no matter what the fuck i do.. i'm nice.. here comes trouble.. i step back and basically let it be known im no longer interested in surrounding myself with fuckery... & EVEN BIGGER BULLSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!? it's a lose lose.

i hurt more now than ever. i was briefly sad.. that soon turned to anger. infuriation. sometimes i can't even listen to reggae or walk in certain parts in my crib without crying. like it's really ridiculous. and now ... at a time like this where i KNOW she'd give me a reality check, if i liked it or not. i miss the shit outta that girl. this is not the way i wanted to blog about her. but it just came out. i really really want her advice on the shit that im in... and there ain't shit i could do about it. so something told me to look my horoscope up, which i haven't done in a minute (unless the haitian hits "widgets" on the tv)... and look...

Don’t go with your inner instinct just yet; wait until at least tomorrow before tackling something that has been bothering you perhaps for a while. A decision that’s been hard to make will get easier after today, but as with other signs, there are a great deal of unreliable forces complicating matters!

damn. well.. too late now. what's done is done. but i strongly believe, what i'm looking for will eventually find me.

i lost one. & honestly can't stomach the thought of losing somebody so close again. though it's apart of life. there's never a time or a real way to get over it, look beyond it, or be happy that she's not hurting & in a better place. i'm not tryin to hear that. fuck it. id rather HER be here and others to fuck off & die. true story. that's a fuct up statement, i realize this. get over it, & quickly.
i took this bootleg aura color quiz on fbook. and it said i have a general aura... meaning no damn color, and that im balanced. OH THIS IS BALANCED? so i googled more aura quizes... and it said i'm a damn crystal adapting to my surroundings. so this just leads me to believe that i'm losing myself. no bueno. i don't think i've ever been so... DONE with bullshit in my LIFE. so help me god if it finds me again. i won't be responsible.

i miss this chick uncontrollably. from our petty ass arguments, to our dance moves, to our language, to our made up songs, the patois lessons, to any god damn thing. who would've thought that in the hospital, that saturday, that THAT would be the last time i saw her alive? or that was the last time La & I would have some type of interaction with her? or that "Thank You" would be her last words i'd EVER hear her say. i miss alethea the freaky-a of the week-e-ya, cuz nobody gets freakier than alethea!

alley, u already know.

ps. LOL @ whitney houston!!!! CTFU!!!

spellcheck! pt. dos.

Spell Check (Explicit Album Version) - Lil Kim

WTF is a damn expence? WHAT THE FUCK IS A DAMN EXPENCE?! the nerve! the balls! the audacity! pretty bold to attempt to be sarcastic and spell a word wrong. idiot.

respect my cot damn language.

nasty nathan.

this man picked his ears, then his nose, wiped his nose, then stuck his fingers in his mouth.

im dead ass. gross!

in a perfect world.

ok keri!.. im sold. still don't get the "beef" with b... but w/e.

Keri Hilson - In A Perfect World...