alley.

alley.

well.
over the last few weeks, i've kinda been ... well battling myself with what it is im actuality trying to do.. with life, with friends, with family, ...with myself in general. basically it's just an uncomfortable feeling to know that i'm unsure of which direction im headed in.

nah i ain't complaining. i know i'm blessed. it's just more of a "where do i go from here type feeling". a confusion.

i have a handful of people who i consider close friends. some i speak to everyday, some not as much. but there was one person who i know, no matter what.. would always make time to listen & laugh with me. i could go from an inside voice... to shouting... to singing... to whispering.. to growling.. all in the same minute.. & she would understand exactly where i'm coming from.

unfortunately the option of ventilation isn't available anymore. as of january 14, 2009 to be exact.

here's how it goes...

alethea & i hated each other during middle school & some of 9th grade. idkH we actually became friends. she's outspoken, im outspoken, so we bumped heads quite a few times. i'd say senior year we became REAL close. road trips, parties, ANYTHING u name it, u wouldn't see me without her, and vice versa.

in middle school i learned she had a liver condition that i never really learned the specifics on. as the years passed on u kinda really ignored the fact that she was ill. like i said, we partied which included drinking and smoking. LMFAO oh god we smoked weed the first time together! lmao! it took me like 20 mins to realize we were high. i was laughin at EVERYTHING, meanwhile she was stuck lookin out her rearview mirror for like 20 mins. Then we started talkin about that commercial that was out at the time, when that boy was riding his bike by a fastfood drive-thru and the people in the car at the window were smoking. because they were high they hit the boy. WHY were we talking about that knowing we had to drive home? beats me. after i got home, eyes all glossy, and me diggin into the mac & cheese like NO tomorrow.. my gpa (papa) :( KNEW i was high.. lol. as previously posted. he was cool about it, and just stared me in the eyes and started laughin. anywho...i never really focused on the severity of her condition, because she was always out and about. she's been in the hospital quite a few times, my first time actually going to visit her was last summer. & it hit me like .. damn... i saw tubes and shit.. but she seemed fine.. i actually left her.. to go work some other shit out with another friend. real stupid. i mean there was a few times where i ignored calls, & even times when she ignored mine. love was never EVER lost though. i think maybe her second year in college she had a liver transplant. (fast forward). she text me that she was again in the hospital. we spoke here and there. i let her know that a childhood friend's mother had lost her battle to cancer. im thinkin this was in sept. or oct. we spoke maybe once or twice, and then just lost contact.

one day i hit her up via text saying sumthin along the lines of "HELLO.. how are u.. checkin in"... no response... i think i might've text her again.. and called... but i figured she was mad at me and we were going thru one of our breaks. sooo one night im chillin with a few folks and was gonna go to mcdonalds with google until "the tower" suggested GoldStar.. (this local Jamaican spot). i was like hell yeah cuz i been feenin for the green chicken (sue me i know it's curry, but i like green). anyways... after orderin a side of mac & cheese. i hear "hericka?!" ohhhh shit IDIZZY! (alethea's mom). so i asked her how alethea was, being that i hadn't heard from her in so long... she then said.. alethea had died, and they revived her, and how she's doing WAY better than she was.

:o! wtf?! ... DIED?!... DIED?! mass confusion is such an understatement. shit is real. so i tell the girls about her condition. nobody could believe it. how could u?

had my fatass not chosen goldstar over mickey d's ... would i have ever known? shit really does happen for a reason.

since the discovery we paid a visit every weekend. the first time i saw her in the ICU ... hurt. it honestly hurt. i couldn't have ever imagined that she was EVER in any condition remotely close to what was before me. the next week we brought in some music (keyshia's latest album). of course i play my song first (she always loved when i did that ;) ) it was .. "Please Don't Stop" . Next thing i know, she's moving her arms. so the haitiansensation and i start freakin out... ready to call the nurse and shit (unfortunately she couldn't talk) but then we realized.. yo... she's dancin. aowwww... so we all start dancing.. until the nurse told us to cut it down. btw.. she looked waaaaaaaaaaaaay better in the second visit. you can see the recovery.. literally. during the third visit we had changed the music again.. but she rested the majority of the visit. i just figured.. u know what.. she's tired.. but she probably can still hear us.. so we carried on with conversation as if she was actively participating in it. telling her about damn there everything. so before we left (after i cursed a few dr.'s and nurses out) i woke her up.. and im like "yo..alley.. we out.."

she looked me in my eyes and said "thank you".. u can see it took a lot out of her.

so on wednesday im on a "long distance call" and i see an incoming call from alethea. i couldn't click over, for some reason i knew alethea wasn't calling me. her mom had the phone all along. so i tell rambi.. alethea is calling. so we get off the phone. and i call her back. it's idizzy.

i:hericka?
m: heller!
i: how u doin?
m: goooood.. u?
i: i'mmm ok... but.. today.. alethea's gone home.

so i turn the the haitian...
mouth wide open. about 5 seconds which seemed like 4 years.
she screams WHAT WHAT!?
& i couldn't move my mouth.
nothing came out.
it was as if every particle of energy had been appropriated.
i couldn't talk.
i couldn't move.
all i could do was blink.

idizzy eventually hung up on me, when? idk. i can't remember how long i had the phone to my face. & that just made me realize how short life is, and how i should just put all petty shit to the side. unfortunately not all circumstances were resolved, and somehow i still found myself in different situations that i could've done without. so what did i do.. i just removed myself. i find myself puttin forth so much effort into the wrong things. here i am leavin the side of one friend to rectify the situation with another which in the end, was wasted energy. ha! wasted energy. i'm not here to get into specifics, do subliminals, or even make this a form of some type of cry out. im just blogging. im mad at me... for basically putting the needs of others, before hers. she was a good person, & i find it intriguing how such a whole hearted, good spirited person, was taken away from me, & i got these black ass mutha fuckin idiots that just won't leave me the fuck alone. no matter what the fuck i do.. i'm nice.. here comes trouble.. i step back and basically let it be known im no longer interested in surrounding myself with fuckery... & EVEN BIGGER BULLSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!? it's a lose lose.

i hurt more now than ever. i was briefly sad.. that soon turned to anger. infuriation. sometimes i can't even listen to reggae or walk in certain parts in my crib without crying. like it's really ridiculous. and now ... at a time like this where i KNOW she'd give me a reality check, if i liked it or not. i miss the shit outta that girl. this is not the way i wanted to blog about her. but it just came out. i really really want her advice on the shit that im in... and there ain't shit i could do about it. so something told me to look my horoscope up, which i haven't done in a minute (unless the haitian hits "widgets" on the tv)... and look...

Don’t go with your inner instinct just yet; wait until at least tomorrow before tackling something that has been bothering you perhaps for a while. A decision that’s been hard to make will get easier after today, but as with other signs, there are a great deal of unreliable forces complicating matters!

damn. well.. too late now. what's done is done. but i strongly believe, what i'm looking for will eventually find me.

i lost one. & honestly can't stomach the thought of losing somebody so close again. though it's apart of life. there's never a time or a real way to get over it, look beyond it, or be happy that she's not hurting & in a better place. i'm not tryin to hear that. fuck it. id rather HER be here and others to fuck off & die. true story. that's a fuct up statement, i realize this. get over it, & quickly.
i took this bootleg aura color quiz on fbook. and it said i have a general aura... meaning no damn color, and that im balanced. OH THIS IS BALANCED? so i googled more aura quizes... and it said i'm a damn crystal adapting to my surroundings. so this just leads me to believe that i'm losing myself. no bueno. i don't think i've ever been so... DONE with bullshit in my LIFE. so help me god if it finds me again. i won't be responsible.

i miss this chick uncontrollably. from our petty ass arguments, to our dance moves, to our language, to our made up songs, the patois lessons, to any god damn thing. who would've thought that in the hospital, that saturday, that THAT would be the last time i saw her alive? or that was the last time La & I would have some type of interaction with her? or that "Thank You" would be her last words i'd EVER hear her say. i miss alethea the freaky-a of the week-e-ya, cuz nobody gets freakier than alethea!

alley, u already know.

ps. LOL @ whitney houston!!!! CTFU!!!