paul.

It's 9:16 AM, and it already feels as though I've been here (work) for hours. There's a guy I work with, we'll call him Paul. Paul is a loony, an un-certified one. So one morning Paul is riding the elevator and a woman is on her cell phone (she MUST have Verizon, 'cause Lord knows I get no kinda service in the there). Paul had the audacity to tell the woman to get off her phone. Does he know her? No. Does she take him serious? No. She simply rolls her eyes, and continues on with her conversation. Paul more aggressively tells the woman to GET OFF HER PHONE. The woman then tells the party on the other line "there's some crazy guy telling me to get off my phone", she laughs, and continues her conversation. A more livid Paul then tells her, "GET OFF THE PHONE NOW, OR I'M GONNA SING". He's ignored. "HENRY THE 8TH I AM, HENRY THE 8TH I AMMMMMMMMMMMMM" while SLAMMING his umbrella on the floor! Have you seen "Ghost"? If so then you know where that song is from. WTF does he think he is? Anywho, the woman was speechless. I was hysterical. What can you honestly say to some sh*t like that. First thing in the damn morning. Man oh man, that could NOT have been me!

Sooooo, yesterday, this fool did it again! I heard through someone in the office that he got on the elevator, another woman was on her cell phone and this time he is SCREAMING in her FACE! Not cool. So not cool.
This morning he and I are on the elevator, I actually hadn't noticed him until like the 8th floor (when I'm in my zone, I'm in my zone, I think I was jamming to Chante Moore [s/c]). Anywho, here's how the conversation went:
e: damn I should've paid attention, I would've pulled out my cellphone
p: yeah you should've, and see what would've happened
e: maybe next time, we're here. one day someone is gonna knock the sh*t outta you.
p: go ahead and let them try it, I'll KILL them in self-defense
e: well maybe if you minded your business this all could be avoided.
p: talking on a cell phone in an elevator is rude, look it up
e: who cares if someone is on the phone, it's like 2 people conversing on the elevator
p: noooo there's a difference
e: oh it's a difference because your nosey behind can't hear what the other person is saying?
p: no there's a difference because it's rude
e: well keep listening to your Ipod and mind your business
p: I'm trying to mind my business but I can't because of people on their cell phones
e: that's sad, you can't mind your OWN business because somebody is on a cell phone, does that make sense?
p: I can feel/say however I want. It's the first amendment.
e: (smiling) I'm very familiar with the first amendment, however don't pull that singing sh*t with me.

::mind you now we are in the middle of the company lobby, arguing, 7:58 AM::

p: It's in the office code of conduct, it's rude to be on a cell phone in a confined space, you're just a child you don't know.
e: I'm just a child? No you're just obnoxious and have nothing better to do with your life other than singing like a complete IDIOT because somebody is on a cell phone, ...and I'm the child, HA!
p: no what's obnoxious is people talking on a cell.......::he was talking as he walked off::

If you know me, you know I can argue you down for days, it's nothing. But who does he think he is? She was on her cell phone, so what? You're on the elevator NO MORE than 2 minutes at a time, get over it. He has the nerve to talk about the "office code of conduct" when H.R. had to hand out flyers about "minding your cube manners". This MOFO eats tuna fish with relish at least 2xs a week, or he microwaves an egg, or he eats this oatmeal that looks like dirty tap water. Anywho all of his food, STINKS. I don't play that stinking crap. I hate that. In my crib I have 2 of those Airwick automatic spray things, an air freshener for the bathroom, one of those heat the oil thing-a-ma-bobs, and I keep a nice supply of Febreeze. I don't play. Anywho the eating area is not too far from my department, meaning I have front row seats to the funk. Did I mention I don't play that? 'Cause I don't. Meet my best friend of the office, and Paul's worst nightmare, OUST. That's right, when he brings that foul smellin' sh*t in my department, I IMMEDIATELY pull out my weapon of defense. He hates me for that, & says I'm poisoning his food. Well.. idgaf.

Just to give you insight on the type of person he is, one time we were talking about strep throat and how painful it is. Here HE goes: "strep throat, MAN, it feels like you swallowed a thousand razor blades. MAN, I'd rather have the CLAP!" ...excuse me...WHAT? You'd rather have an STD than Strep Throat? You know what? What ever floats your boat Paul, whatever floats your boat.

Another occasion, we were talking about telling older people that they are forgetting things. I know, I know, who does that? Anywho he goes on to say how you never tell an older person they're forgetting things, especially women. "Man, I told my mother that she was forgetting things and BOY did she let me have it, I felt like raw meat in a Lion's Den.... I would've rather sat on a firecracker." ...excuse me.. WHAT? You'd rather sit on a DAMN firecracker? Who even thinks of some old bogus BS like that? Paul, that's who. SMGDMFH.